Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
