she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
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he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
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If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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