i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
