her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
