At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
