I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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