i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have fence marks all over my body
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
