So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
