My brain says no but my pants say off.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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