I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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