he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
