New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
