where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
