tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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