if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
