I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
