True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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