I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
