I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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