I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
