she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
