Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
