were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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