You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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