my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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