hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
