I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
