Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ugly people sure do ruin things
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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