brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
