Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
