I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
