If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
