he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
