By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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