Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
