Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
