Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
