I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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