I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
