I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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