I haven't been this sober since birth.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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