I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Randomize
