she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
