Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
