He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Randomize
