i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
