i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
