apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
