and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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