yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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