So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
