i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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