the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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