i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
