I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
When are your genitals available?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
