can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
