its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
