proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
