did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
